2005 movies, part 1: the filth and the fury
Because so much goes into my lists of films each year, and because many good films are released late in the year and well into January, it's actually easier for me to start off with the worst list, the disappointments on varying scales, and work up to the great stuff. One of the frustrating aspects of following films and not being a professional reviewer is I have to wait on some great movies that just don't get a wide or immediate release locally.
But the real crap was easy to spot. Let us begin:
THE BIG DISAPPOINTMENTS (if not 2005, year indicated by title)
9 SONGS -- Sex and music: sounds like a great weekend, but somehow this film failed to convey that.
ALEXANDER (04) -- When did warrior epics become silly and boring? Oliver Stone needs to find a new conspiracy to cover before he loses his touch.
ARAGAMI (02) -- Don't forget, I watch LOADS of Asian film, both for festival reasons and for general enjoyment. In this case, the film in question was good for neither purpose.
BAD EDUCATION (04) -- Mommy, I feel all dirty.
BEYOND THE SEA (04) -- When vanity projects go bad.
BON VOYAGE (03) -- Bon boring.
BOOGEYMAN -- The sound of Sam Raimi cashing a check.
BRIDE AND PREJUDICE -- I'll just find some REAL Bollywood.
BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS (04) -- Mommy, I feel sticky dirty.
CRIMINAL (04) -- There's this film, see, it's called Nine Queens.
DOOR IN THE FLOOR (04) -- What a bunch of awful, stupid people.
DOWNTOWN 81 (02) -- That's 81 minutes of drivel. This is why Basquiat is dead.
EMBEDDED (live) (04) -- Tim Robbins: don't quit your day job.
EYE SEE YOU (03) -- Eye feel sleepy.
HIGH TENSION/HAUTE TENSION (04) -- Pretty engaging and scary until you realize THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. Who needs logic when you have masturbation?
HOTEL RWANDA (04) -- Which, sadly, feels like a movie made for people to cry over and award with statuettes.
HOUSE OF FURY -- Again, there's nothing like bad asian.
HOUSE OF WAX -- Not all that bad, if you like crap.
ICHI THE KILLER, EPISODE 1 (02) -- Animated feature that is so disgusting and reprehensible that it makes the live-action feature look like Sense & Sensibility.
IMAGINARY HEROES -- We're a family with emotional issues. Yawn.
IN MY COUNTRY -- We're a nation with racial injustice. Yawn.
IT'S ALL GONE PETE TONG -- This film has a terrific final third. Unfortunately, you have to sit through a tired, stereotypical first two-thirds to get there.
IVANS XTC (04) -- One of the absolute worst films of 2004. A shame I saw it in 2005. Or in any year, really.
LAND OF THE DEAD -- It was okay. But when you consider it's lineage, well...sigh.
LE SAMOURAI (67) -- What's all the fuss? This "classic" actually sucks!
LOVE BATTLEFIELD (04) -- The worst film the AFFD screened at this year's festival.
MAJOR DUNDEE (67, restored) -- Needs greater restoration.
MALICE @ DOLL (00) -- Really stupid and annoying. There, I've said it. And I can't type the title without my PC thinking it's a link.
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA -- Pretty, pretty, pretty. Shame it had no heart.
MINDHUNTERS -- I used to like Val Kilmer.
NIGHT WATCH -- I waited all year for this?
SAW 2 -- I like the part with the killer talking. Everything else was vile and muddled.
SEANCE (2000) -- When you've been enthralled with a director's work, a slight film can seem hugely disappointing. This is such a moment.
SEVEN SWORDS -- Pretty, pretty, pretty. Shame it had no guts.
SEX IS COMEDY (03) -- Which was neither sexy nor funny. Nor interesting.
STAR WARS EPISODE III SITHY SITH SITH -- They couldn't even close the deal. Man.
STEALTH -- Ray dies.
THE ICE HARVEST, THE JACKET, THE ISLAND, THE LEOPARD (63), THE LONGEST YARD (redux), THE MAN WHO COPIED, THE PASSION RECUT, THE WILD PARROTS OF TELEGRAPH HILL -- Why?
WISHING STAIRS (03) -- Asians can make crappy horror films, too.
and now...not just badly made, but bad at their very core:
THE ABSOLUTE WORST FILMS OF THE YEAR
A SOUND OF THUNDER -- Childish science-fiction.
ALONE IN THE DARK -- Childish horror.
BAD NEWS BEARS -- Sloppy, irritating remake made solely for cash. Shame on Richard Linklater for agreeing to do so.
BE COOL -- Sloppy, irritating sequel made solely for cash. Shame on everyone involved for agreeing to do so.
DARK WATER -- Unscary, dull and boring remake of an Asian horror film that worked.
ELEKTRA -- Worst Marvel Comic of the year.
KICKING & SCREAMING -- Most unfunny comedy of the year and most shameful Robert Duvall appearance in decades.
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN -- When did period pieces about the crusades become boring?
MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN -- Unpleasant, unfunny, badly acted, sorrowful on every level.
THE BROTHERS GRIMM -- When Terry Gilliam fails, he really does it up right.
UNDEAD - Worst Australian zombie flick since...okay, just worst.
XXX: STATE OF THE UNION -- Loudest and most racially-charged annoying popcorn film of the year.
and the biggest loser is...
THE WORST FILM OF THE YEAR:
(historic four-way tie!)
MA MERE, MANDERLAY, PALINDROMES and THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (remake)
Four very distinct films that show off the utter mean-spiritedness, cruelty, ugliness, stupidity and disdain in cinema today, and not in a good way. I ultimately disliked all four of these films so intensely that they are awarded the dubious honors of Controlled Burning's WORST FILM status, not just for 2005, but for as long as they make the rounds in theaters and on DVD and cable. Their stories, their characters, the characters' behaviors, the "messages" implicitly or explicitly conveyed; everything about them was counter to what I would call good. In short, these are the movies from which you should steer clear.
Next: MOVIES, Part 2
But the real crap was easy to spot. Let us begin:
THE BIG DISAPPOINTMENTS (if not 2005, year indicated by title)
9 SONGS -- Sex and music: sounds like a great weekend, but somehow this film failed to convey that.
ALEXANDER (04) -- When did warrior epics become silly and boring? Oliver Stone needs to find a new conspiracy to cover before he loses his touch.
ARAGAMI (02) -- Don't forget, I watch LOADS of Asian film, both for festival reasons and for general enjoyment. In this case, the film in question was good for neither purpose.
BAD EDUCATION (04) -- Mommy, I feel all dirty.
BEYOND THE SEA (04) -- When vanity projects go bad.
BON VOYAGE (03) -- Bon boring.
BOOGEYMAN -- The sound of Sam Raimi cashing a check.
BRIDE AND PREJUDICE -- I'll just find some REAL Bollywood.
BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS (04) -- Mommy, I feel sticky dirty.
CRIMINAL (04) -- There's this film, see, it's called Nine Queens.
DOOR IN THE FLOOR (04) -- What a bunch of awful, stupid people.
DOWNTOWN 81 (02) -- That's 81 minutes of drivel. This is why Basquiat is dead.
EMBEDDED (live) (04) -- Tim Robbins: don't quit your day job.
EYE SEE YOU (03) -- Eye feel sleepy.
HIGH TENSION/HAUTE TENSION (04) -- Pretty engaging and scary until you realize THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. Who needs logic when you have masturbation?
HOTEL RWANDA (04) -- Which, sadly, feels like a movie made for people to cry over and award with statuettes.
HOUSE OF FURY -- Again, there's nothing like bad asian.
HOUSE OF WAX -- Not all that bad, if you like crap.
ICHI THE KILLER, EPISODE 1 (02) -- Animated feature that is so disgusting and reprehensible that it makes the live-action feature look like Sense & Sensibility.
IMAGINARY HEROES -- We're a family with emotional issues. Yawn.
IN MY COUNTRY -- We're a nation with racial injustice. Yawn.
IT'S ALL GONE PETE TONG -- This film has a terrific final third. Unfortunately, you have to sit through a tired, stereotypical first two-thirds to get there.
IVANS XTC (04) -- One of the absolute worst films of 2004. A shame I saw it in 2005. Or in any year, really.
LAND OF THE DEAD -- It was okay. But when you consider it's lineage, well...sigh.
LE SAMOURAI (67) -- What's all the fuss? This "classic" actually sucks!
LOVE BATTLEFIELD (04) -- The worst film the AFFD screened at this year's festival.
MAJOR DUNDEE (67, restored) -- Needs greater restoration.
MALICE @ DOLL (00) -- Really stupid and annoying. There, I've said it. And I can't type the title without my PC thinking it's a link.
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA -- Pretty, pretty, pretty. Shame it had no heart.
MINDHUNTERS -- I used to like Val Kilmer.
NIGHT WATCH -- I waited all year for this?
SAW 2 -- I like the part with the killer talking. Everything else was vile and muddled.
SEANCE (2000) -- When you've been enthralled with a director's work, a slight film can seem hugely disappointing. This is such a moment.
SEVEN SWORDS -- Pretty, pretty, pretty. Shame it had no guts.
SEX IS COMEDY (03) -- Which was neither sexy nor funny. Nor interesting.
STAR WARS EPISODE III SITHY SITH SITH -- They couldn't even close the deal. Man.
STEALTH -- Ray dies.
THE ICE HARVEST, THE JACKET, THE ISLAND, THE LEOPARD (63), THE LONGEST YARD (redux), THE MAN WHO COPIED, THE PASSION RECUT, THE WILD PARROTS OF TELEGRAPH HILL -- Why?
WISHING STAIRS (03) -- Asians can make crappy horror films, too.
and now...not just badly made, but bad at their very core:
THE ABSOLUTE WORST FILMS OF THE YEAR
A SOUND OF THUNDER -- Childish science-fiction.
ALONE IN THE DARK -- Childish horror.
BAD NEWS BEARS -- Sloppy, irritating remake made solely for cash. Shame on Richard Linklater for agreeing to do so.
BE COOL -- Sloppy, irritating sequel made solely for cash. Shame on everyone involved for agreeing to do so.
DARK WATER -- Unscary, dull and boring remake of an Asian horror film that worked.
ELEKTRA -- Worst Marvel Comic of the year.
KICKING & SCREAMING -- Most unfunny comedy of the year and most shameful Robert Duvall appearance in decades.
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN -- When did period pieces about the crusades become boring?
MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN -- Unpleasant, unfunny, badly acted, sorrowful on every level.
THE BROTHERS GRIMM -- When Terry Gilliam fails, he really does it up right.
UNDEAD - Worst Australian zombie flick since...okay, just worst.
XXX: STATE OF THE UNION -- Loudest and most racially-charged annoying popcorn film of the year.
and the biggest loser is...
THE WORST FILM OF THE YEAR:
(historic four-way tie!)
MA MERE, MANDERLAY, PALINDROMES and THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (remake)
Four very distinct films that show off the utter mean-spiritedness, cruelty, ugliness, stupidity and disdain in cinema today, and not in a good way. I ultimately disliked all four of these films so intensely that they are awarded the dubious honors of Controlled Burning's WORST FILM status, not just for 2005, but for as long as they make the rounds in theaters and on DVD and cable. Their stories, their characters, the characters' behaviors, the "messages" implicitly or explicitly conveyed; everything about them was counter to what I would call good. In short, these are the movies from which you should steer clear.
Next: MOVIES, Part 2
posted by scn at 1:32 PM
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